Tesoro Resort

On Friday, August 19 TJ and I bailed out of work at 3pm, swung by the nearest Starbucks to pick up our friends Sergio and Gabriel (actual people, not nicknames for our favorite frappés), and set out for a weekend of fun and relaxation at Manzanillo's Tesoro Resort.

Located in the Mexican state of Colima, Manzanillo is a tourist destination frequented by the Guadalajara consular set. This would be our first visit.

Arriving just before sunset Friday evening, TJ and I rushed to our room where we promptly showered and changed clothes then ran to the boys' room to see who had the better view. They totally did. The jerks. The gorgeous Pacific Ocean panoramic that greeted us from their balcony was a stark contrast to the white concrete wall staring in from ours. Sigh.

Disappointed but not discouraged, we headed up to the 7th floor in hopes of catching the dinner show...only to find out that all the tables were full. It was suggested that we eat quickly down by the pool and come back up for the show, which would start in 15 minutes. Great idea, except there was a ginormous line outside full of ginormous people ready to get their grub on. So we settled for standing in the back of the theater to watch the show while filling our bellies with cheap resort booze.

I can't quite recall what the theme of that evening's performance was, but I think it was "Hussies." No, wait. It was "Decades." They performed hits from various decades. Get it? Clever. But yeah, I like my theme better. I present to you Exhibit A:

I swear by all that I hold holy, they are dressed in this hooker garb singing "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy." Seems slightly inappropriate. Or at least incorrectly themed, no? Not what I expect to see at the USO...

That was followed by what can only be called "The Future Trollop Parade," in which two adult women were brought out on stage to show three prepubescent girls how to strut on the catwalk. The girls then got their turn to show off, after which the audience voted by a round of applause on which was most likely to eventually get pregnant in the back of a Pontiac Sunfire on prom night...

Or something. My Spanish isn't the best and I was drinking, after all.

Next up were these fellas. They didn't look nearly as trashy as the last two acts, but they were certainly more exciting for the four of us. I'll give you one guess as to what they were singing.

After the admittedly horrible show was over, we all came to the conclusion that it had not been worth delaying dinner for. Then we went down to the pool restaurant to finally eat, ultimately deciding that dinner itself had not been worth the up-and-down the stairs routine from the previous hour.

We then headed to one of the restaurant bars, by which point we were all adequately absent of good judgement to allow Gabriel to talk us into entering a Hot Legs competition. I'm slightly mortified and will therefore not be sharing any photos...of me or TJ. Here are Gabriel and Sergio. Ha!

Saturday came and went with what can only be described as a huge improvement over the previous evening. The food was great, and so was the dinner show, which we managed to get into with plenty of seating to spare.

Saturday's theme was "Mexico," and it was chock full of spry young men dancing around in old man masks, ladies singing songs about Jaliscan pride (odd, given that we were in Colima), jump ropers, and Mexican hat dances. Nothing too negative (and therefore, nothing too funny, either) to say about that particular show, so instead I'll just share some photos.

But it was the daylight hours that made Saturday so amazing. Throughout my entire life I have found myself living within easy driving distance of one beach or another. And yet, I never went. Or at least never went willingly. Even our numerous trips to Key West came and went without toe touching sand.

And why is this?

Well, I suppose one answer could be that I don't like walking around with sand in my shorts. This much is certainly true. But with a shower and a change of clothes waiting in the room upstairs, that wouldn't have been a concern this time.

Another possibility could be that I worry about losing my contact lenses. Certainly true here, as I happened to be wearing my last pair. I've gone to get more since then, but that wouldn't have helped over the course of this particular weekend. Yet I dove right in, no fear.

I guess the true answer is that I've always been super self-conscious about my weight. That's something that I've touched on here in the past, and something that we'll touch on again in the very near future. I've always been too embarrassed to go to the beach. To go to the local pool. To go to a water park. That's the real reason, and I own it now. I'm getting older. No sense not doing things that might be fun due to some stupid mental block. So, I overcame it. And I had a blast.

And I can't wait to do it again.